You’re Shit #001: The (ex) landlord

Hey, we’re on a roll tonight – got this email yesterday from our last landlord, nearly a week after I asked why we’d not got our deposit back…


Thanks for the e-mail. I don’t know why but I haven’t received this until today.

There is no problem with the deposit. It will be with you shortly. It always takes a week or two to be transferred, and key exchange and end of tenancy inspection was [REDACTED].

As a gesture of goodwill there will be no charge for the oven cleaning, general cleaning, or waste disposal from the outside shed.

Thank you,


A beautiful touch, that passive-aggressive bit at the end.

Just to flesh it out a bit for you, the oven was cleaner than when we moved in; and unlike when we were due to move in there was no need to pay a professional cleaner to scrape the shit off the floors.

And the “waste” in the shed? That would be the microwave destroyed by the leak in the kitchen ceiling, initially reported to the landlord a month into the tenancy, but never properly repaired.

When I say “leak”, that’s actually shorthand for “seven or more leaks”. Above every available kitchen workspace, over the toaster, the fridge, the freezer and the aforementioned microwave (RIP). Oh, and the unswitched, circuit-breakerless four-way the landlord plonked on the worktop.

Did I mention how the landlord even tried to drag us in to an insurance fraud to pay for the roof repair?

Or the rotten floors (which we had pointed out before we’d even done a second viewing, d’oh!) that the landlord has promised to get fixed, but which – can you guess? – were never properly fixed?

Or the bodged macerator that vented out a delicious shit-burp after every flush?

Still not had the deposit back yet…


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